If I picture suicide as a horrific, gigantuan, and relentless monster that finally claims the lives of our loved ones, then I must acknowledge its more insidious, clever, and skilled sister, guilt. If there is one discriminating fact of loss by suicide, it is the unavoidable and devastating guilt that shakes our spirits and saps our strength while trying to sort out all of the other feelings and emotions that accompany sudden loss. I have tried already to be respectful and acknowledge that my experiences don't necessarily reflect what other people have felt if they have lost a child by suicide, and I think that dealing with feelings of guilt may be the most diverse of reactions. The only common denominator is that I believe that it is always there for suicide survivors. The reason it is so different for everyone I think is because it is a function of what that person's role in the deceased person's life was, along with the make-up of the person's life experiences.
Ironically, I'm wondering if it is better or worse to have the experience of knowing your child was at risk, and having tried to help them, or to not have known at all, and then feel guilt that you had no idea it was coming. Either way, it is guilt, guilt, guilt. Guilt over specific things said, guilt over things done or not done, guilt over not being able to find the magic wand that would have prevented it from happening.
It may be that the guilt demon rolls out in reverse chronology. For me, I could not stop the thought that I had not gone downstairs to check on Erik the night before, and had I done that, we may have been able to start searching for him and found him. It would have taken one minute. I was too tired from having a night out with my friends. Could I have found him and stopped his plan?
Working in reverse, I am also haunted by the memory of Erik being so zealous in helping me pack away the Christmas decorations that weekend. He would not stop until every last item was out of sight and packed away. I remember commenting over and over about how much help he was, and thanking him. It was unusual for Erik to be energetic about anything at that point, how could I not have seen something was not right?
This list goes on and on, with many of the typical clues that are suggested to watch for in a potential suicide victim. And I knew he was at risk. I told everyone else.
Of all the emotions to make peace with for the suicide survivor, I believe guilt is the worst. It feels the worst, and it defies logic. Logic tells us that if you love your child, you can help them. Logic tells us that love is what makes life worth living, so if a person is loved, how can they leave?
For those who are watching their child lead what looks like a happy and successful life, only to suddenly lose them, I can only imagine that it is a more confusing kind of guilt.
For the many stories I have heard and read about family members whose last words were in anger or controversial, my heart goes out to you, as that is heartbreaking I am sure.
Again, I was so fortunate to have so many people stop me in my tracks when I started to say things to second-guess myself. I also had to confront things pretty squarely since it was quickly apparent that my son Jason had worse feelings of guilt than myself, and I had to be there for him. It wasn't until weeks later, when I had others in Erik's life tell me how much they had struggled with their guilt, over what they might have seen as lost opportunities to help him or talk to him, that it came into a better perspective for me. Because I was so shocked that another person would feel any guilt at all, I realized that perhaps it wasn't right for me to feel guilty either. I remember others would be so hesitant to bring it up, but it truly helped me when they shared their feelings with me.
For me, it was important to be able to express when I had moments of guilt, and be able to talk about it. It really did help me to have others say the many things they did to assure me that I could not have stopped what happened. Did I always believe it, every minute? No. But it was a goal to work toward, because I knew if I blamed myself for his death, I might as well go with him, that I could not bear living with that thought. I knew I could live with the sadness, but to think I could have kept him alive, and somehow didn't, would have broken my spirit.
For those consoling the suicide survivor, it is not just lip service to tell them it was not their fault, that they could not stop it, and that guilt is something they need to work at letting go of. It is something that is helped by talking, and by reading, and by counseling.
For the survivor, I am telling you it is not something you can blame yourself for. More importantly, your loved one does not want you to blame yourself. Suicide is an act of complete desperation, and one event, or one word, or one missed opportunity would not have stopped it...as survivors, we need to heal ourselves, not blame ourselves, or them.
No comments:
Post a Comment