Happy Birthday Erik

        Today is Erik's birthday.  He would have been 28 years old.  It is the third one of his birthdays I have had to face without him.  I am really struggling.

        I struggled as to whether I should try to write today.  I feel that I have tried to be comforting and reassuring, and inspire others to know that suicide survivors can go on to lead successful and yes, even happy lives.  So, because I am notoriously honest, and I know I can't bluff my way through this, my post today will be to admit that there are always hard days, and that certain sad days are unavoidable.

        The worst part of this fact is that it is so darn unpredictable!!!  I am so frustrated that I feel this sad today.  I feel worse than the first two birthdays, and wasn't prepared to feel this sad.  It started almost a week ago...I was getting the old punched in the stomach feeling back.  As the day approached, I knew each day I was dreading it.  My son Jason is also upset, and his nightmares are back.

        So, my dear readers, please know that we survivors are never completely off the hook.  That is why I think it is so important to embrace the grieving process.  We never get rid of the sadness, but we can learn to let it walk alongside our hearts, on the journey of our lives.  And on some days, it will veer a little closer to us, and take over some moments of our lives.  Today is one of those days for me.

        It's okay.  Erik deserves to be the most important thing on my mind today.  He deserves to get top billing for the day.  It's okay I have put my normal routine aside.  I will get through, think about him, write about him, talk about him, and urge others to remember him.  Later we will take candles to the cemetery, and toast to his memory.  It is a beautiful sunny Fall day here, so I am glad for that.

        Thank-you for letting me have a selfish moment here.  Please be sure to see the memory page, so you can see Erik.  Also, if anyone would like to use the memory page to mention their loved ones, please feel free to do so.  You could do it by adding it as a comment.  Or I have added my e-mail address to my home page so if you would like to contact me about doing this, or contact me for any reason, please feel free to do so.  Google tells me that there are people looking at my blog, so I am grateful, and will try to continue on and put my thoughts in writing.