My lofty goal in having a full wake and funeral for Erik was simply that he deserved it. I especially was so painfully aware of how limited his life had become because of his illness, I think I wanted to rally everyone to show him that there were people in his life who loved him, and were so sad that he was gone.
Also, I had come to a point in my life where I was very cognizant of how important it is for people to have rites and rituals to process both happy and sad occurrences. So I came into the situation with a belief that all ceremonials for those we have lost are very important. The fact that this was so sudden, that Erik was so young, and that I couldn't see him, made it seem even more important to plan a period of time, which wound up being three days, which would be devoted to his memory.
One thing I had experienced in the past was that if I knew someone who lost someone close, and did not see them at a service or memorial soon after the death, was that it is then so awkward when I saw them the next time. You may see them at a very social setting, or in a middle of a day where there is barely two minutes to talk. To try to give condolences in a hurry or in the middle of a party just doesn't work well. So I thought about going through a period of time where everytime I saw someone, I would need to address their reactions and think about Erik's death. I guess what I'm saying is that it just seemed better to get it all over with at once, so to speak. I don't mean for that to sound awful, but I wanted to have a time and place where the majority of folks could acknowledge Erik's death in the proper venue.
The other thing was that I suspected that there might be a large number of people that would want to pay their respects, and I wanted time be able to at least greet them all and thank them. So we had a wake for two evenings in a row, for four hours, and then a mass on Saturday with a brief ceremony at the cemetery. (And yes, I do mean a Catholic mass for someone who committed suicide. I will write about that soon.)
There were many, many special moments that occurred throughout those three days, and I would like to write about them the next few times. But as life always happens, there was one thing I did not anticipate at all or even think of, and had every other aspect of the wake and funeral been a disaster, this one thing would have made it worthwhile.
Erik up until his late teens had a wonderful life, was a lovable guy, and had literally I think a hundred friends. Because the more recent years had been so difficult for him, he had lost touch with all of his friends, and had very few friends. If I had to name what the worst part of schizophrenia is, it would be the sheer desolation of the loneliness. Unless someone has experienced it, or watched it, it is hard to even imagine. The phone never rings, there is no one to talk to, no where to go. No coworkers. The family who loves you is there, but you feel so different and badly about yourself, you don't visit with them. The only people Erik really interacted with was his group from his AA meetings, his counselors, and his immediate family.
So, I was unprepared for what happened the first night of the wake. The room filled very quickly with close friends and family, so I was trying to greet everyone. Suddenly I looked up, and a group of maybe five or six young men came into the room. By the time I approached them, several more had come in and were talking to the ones already there. Then a group of young woman in their twenties came in, and they were crying. By the time I could join them, they had formed a large group. As they came up to me and hugged me, they one by one reminded me who they were...Erik's friends from high school. And the group grew larger and larger, and I was so overwhelmed and grateful for this reminder of the happy times in Erik's life. The fact that so many came after not seeing him for so long spoke to what a favorite he was at the high-school. I will never forget that they were there, the surprise of it all, and what it meant to me.
The flip side of my joy in seeing them, was that it gave me a moment to tell them how severe Erik's illness had become, and that he had not forgotten them either, but had stopped doing most of the social things people in their early twenties do. It made me so relieved to tell as many of them as I could that it was not his intention to lose touch, and how much it would mean to him that they were there.
As the evening wore on, it did become overwhelming to see so many people. I know there were people I didn't get to talk to. Many were able to talk to others in the family. I will always feel badly for one of Erik's friends who came, as I fell so short in consoling her or talking to her. I happened to be right there when she came through the entrance of the room, and headed right for the casket. She was crying so hard, I wondered how she could see through her tears to navigate her surroundings. So I went to put my arm around her and find out who she was, but she literally could not stop crying long enough to speak her own name. So we just stood there for a few minutes, I tried to console her, and she started to leave. I wanted her to sit for a few minutes and not try to drive, but she left the same way she entered, crying into a massive wad of tissues, and I never knew who she was!
Coming full circle to my thoughts regarding having services for the deceased, I am happy that young woman had a chance to do a visitation for Erik. I will always remember her and think she must have had a very huge crush on him to be so upset. I will never forget the room filling up with so many of his high school friends. That was the tribute to Erik, that they all came, that they all remembered him, that they cared enough to be there and stay there remembering a time when my son was so happy.
If you are someone who has lost a child, I know everyone is not able to arrange formal wakes and burials right away. But I know of many situations, especially nowadays when so many people have family scattered in different parts of the country or even the world, where services and gatherings can be planned at a later time. Families should plan what is in their hearts, and it is never too late to provide an opportunity for others to pay tribute to our loved ones, whether it be very small or larger, more social or religious. The only thing that matters is feeling good about remembering someone we loved.
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