Letting Things Happen

        Part of my solution to not taking Erik's clothes and seeing him one more time occurred spontaneously early Thursday morning, before Jason had to leave to go to the funeral parlor.  Perhaps part of what happened was a function of the timing,
as I had had nearly two days to process that Erik was truly gone.  I had cried, but in bits and pieces, and sometimes holding back to spare others my pain.

        But that morning, I walked downstairs to the basement floor where Erik's room was, I think to do a load of laundry, or look for something.  As I walked past his bed, I saw the clothes Jason had prepared to take to the funeral parlor.  One of the items was a sweater Erik had received from my sister-in-law, or ex sister-in-law who I had remained friends with.  She and her husband had stopped to the house for an impromptu gathering we had on Christmas Eve.  She had bought both the boys sweaters, in pastel colors, which they had both immediately put on for the night, much to her delight.  Erik's was a pale green, perfect for his blonde hair and blue eyes. 

        Suddenly, I was clutching that sweater, and lying on his bed.  I remember very clearly thinking that it was the closest I could be to him at that point, and became lost in my emotions for a long time.  I hadn't known it was possible to cry that hard, or feel that much actual pain from being just plain sad.  I really thought I might die from my heart breaking or stopping.  But then, I realized that my tears were drenching the sweater, and suddenly thought, okay, this is how I will touch you one more time.  My tears from how sad I am to miss you, to your sweater, which is now clutched close to my heart, and then will wrap around you.

        It seemed good then to cry as much as I needed to, the more tears the better, the wetter the sweater would be to let Erik know how much I loved him.  When I stopped crying, I carefully folded the sweater the way it had been, and put it back so Jason would find it and take it as planned.  I have always been grateful for that little while in time, and will always love that sweater.