Horizons

 

Life is eternal and love is immortal; And death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. - Rossiter W. Raymond

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

 I Did Not Die

 Do not stand at my grave and forever weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.

I am not there. I did not die.

 

Mary Elizabeth Frye



Counting Blessings

After my divorce, five years ago, I went through a period of very serious depression.  Divorcing after 31 years of marriage is not just breaking up a couple, it is the end of a whole lifetime.  My husband and I had a household together, two sons, two grandchildren, had been through the loss of three of our parents, and my in-laws were very much family to me. 

The first year afterwards I was living in an awful apartment with Erik, already watching Erik’s mental health spiral downward, and struggling with a new boss at my job.  I not only could barely get through each day because I was so sad, I was totally convinced that my entire life had been a huge mistake, and that I had nothing to show for my years of hard work, taking care of my family, and goals of being a good mother.

At some point on a particular day, I truly can’t remember how long afterward, I was reading...

On Thanksgiving

My wish to all is for a peaceful Thanksgiving,

 a day spent with loved ones

and moments of gratitude for the good that is still part of our lives,

while remembering those who are no longer on this earth with us,

but part of all the love and energy that is the universe.

 

                                           God bless,  Mary Ann

The Holidays are Here

 

Tomorrow is the official beginning of the holiday season.  The holidays are always an official signal for people to feel more stressed and busier than usual, and counselors and psychologists as well as all of us are painfully aware that while the holidays are meant to be times of great joy and happy gatherings, they often have a reverse affect on people.  And, unfortunately, the more difficult the situation a person finds themselves in, the more likely it is that the holidays may make them upset.

I was always known to my family and friends as a sort of “Christmas fanatic”.  I loved everything about Christmas, even when I was a working mom and it was very busy.  I loved just the visual aspect of it – the lights, decorations, colors, trees, miniature villages,  even the toy trains around the trees.  My tree had to be perfect, pretty but fun also, with a lot of wooden ornaments.  No matter how many ornaments I had, I was able to remember where each one had come from.  I could go on and on, about the presents, crèches, turkey dinners, cookies and pies, church services, music, and movies, but instead will just ask you to take my word for it, I loved Christmas.

I remember that when I was in my thirties and early forties I was always horrified by those who didn’t share my enthusiasm.  I just didn’t “get it”.  How could anyone not find pure glee in such an atmosphere of festive get togethers and family gatherings?  When I would return to work,

Thoughts and Feelings

My attendance at the Nov. 17^th conference now falls into the category of  “always expect the unexpected”, especially when it comes to the grieving process.  I walked into the room ready to help and assist anyone who was having a difficult time, and by the time I finished viewing the panel discussion on the teleconference, wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep my composure to be part of the live panel which I had promised to do.  The reason I had not expected this, was because I had participated last year, and while it is always an emotional and soul-searching experience, felt I had handled the day fairly well, and assumed that this year would be that much “easier”.

However, once the video conference began, I became mesmerized by the family survivors
who were participating, and it just seemed that every single word and phrase that was uttered came crashing down on me, with so much insight and revelation of this journey of suicide survival, that I felt emotionally exhausted by the end. 

I am still trying to figure it out, which is probably hypocritical of me, since I am repeatedly saying that we should be prepared for ups and downs, and that we never know what may trigger an especially intense reaction or disturbing thought for us, even years after our loss.  I remember thinking that the second year is harder than the first, because much of the shock has worn off, and we are thinking more clearly and able to perhaps confront things that we didn’t really look at before,

November 17th - Candles Around the World

 

It is part of the tradition of International Suicide Survivors Day to ask everyone to light a candle and place it in a window, at 8:00 in the evening.  Since this is an international event, it means that around the world, as candles are lit at 8:00, it will take 24 hours to complete the cycle.  For some reason, since the first time we asked people to do this, it has completely captured my imagination. I love to think that if someone far up in the universe is looking down, they will see the world gradully lighting up, and know the lights are for their souls.

This is our third year of doing this.  I have found that people I know love this symbolic gesture,

A Time for Everything



Book of Ecclesiastes – A Time for Everything

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens:

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.

November 17th - International Suicide Survivors Day

I have been trying to help get the word out about this Saturday, which is International Suicide Survivors Day.  If you are from the Buffalo NY area, you can take a look at the last page of my blog  for specific information regarding the event near us.

My understanding is that the meeting that is held follows the same format in all parts of the world.  Particularly in the US, the teleconference panel is the same for everyone, so that everyone will be hearing the same thoughts. 

The first year after Erik died, I chose not to attend.  In retrospect, I wish I had. 

After attending last year, my second year, the main message I would like to get out informally is this:  If you have any inkling of going to the gathering, you should go.  I want to assure everyone that this is a comfortable, supportive, and very non-threatening afternoon.  If you chose to do so, you could easily come in, not speak to anyone, find a seat, and only observe the events of the day.  No one will expect you to say anything or put you on the spot about anything.  There is even a room set aside where you can go to have a few minutes alone if you need it, and there are several support people stationed at the back of the room, who can help you if you need to get there or are upset.  For that matter, if at any point you felt you would rather leave, you could easily slip out as well.

The program begins with a very simple candle lighting ceremony, with the names of our deceased loved ones read aloud.  If you choose to include your loved one's name, there is a card to fill out as you sign in for the event.  Then there is the video conference.  The panel on the video conference consists of people who have lost someone to suicide, who are willing to share some of their challenges and strategies in their grieving process.  Afterwards, there was a discussion by professionals regarding the challenges of suicide survivors.  Then, there is a live panel, consisting of both families and professionals, to share thoughts about grief and the mourning process.  This is very informal, with plenty of time for attendees to ask questions or make comments regarding their experiences.  Also, before and after the structured program, there is time to talk to others if you would like to.

This meeting is a beautiful opportunity to find support and solace among a group of people who have all been through the experience of suicide loss.  Whatever point you are at in your journey, there is a good chance you will find something helpful about this experience.  Whether it is simply to realize you are not alone in your experience, or someone says something very specific that resounds with your experience, it may bring you some relief and comfort to be there.  Also, in addition to the afternoon itself, there will be suggestions of how to find assistance in the future, or perhaps new ideas of things that will be helpful to you in your journey of healing.

I will be attending again this year.  I feel grateful to have an opportunity to take time out of my schedule to gather with others of a like mind.  While I feel okay with where I am at with my own grieving process, I know there is always a little further I can go on my journey, or always something new I can hear or learn that will be important to me.  I also want to share with others, and always hope that there may be something I can do to help others.

And, it is a way to remember Erik in a more special manner than usual, and a tribute to all those we have lost to suicide. 

Where do they go to?

Where do they go to, the people who leave?                                                        
Are they around us, in the cool evening breeze?
Do they still hear us, and watch us each day?
I'd like you to think of them with us that way.

Where do they go to, when no longer here?
I think that they stay with us, calming our fear
Loving us always, holding our hands
Walking beside us, on grass or on sand.

Where do they go to, well it's my belief
They watch us and help us cope with our grief
They comfort and stay with us, through each of our days
Guiding us always through life's mortal maze.

KenF - 21st August 2007

Dear Erik - written 2-24-10

Dear Erik,

I'm not doing very well here, and am afraid I will never stop feeling sad or be happy again.   I tell everyone that I think you didn't know how sad you were going to make me, but deep down I know it woudn't have mattered.  I know that even if someone had shown you how upset we were going to be, you would have left us anyway.  I know you couldn't stand feeling bad anymore, I watched your pain for so long, and I am so sorry that you had to suffer so much.  I'm so sorry

Sharing My Heart

As I am writing about ways to cope in the aftermath of loss, especially those first few months, I myself am remembering a lot of the difficulties and sadness.  In addition to that, we are preparing for the survivors conference on November 17th, and that is bringing back memories as well.  Last night, I sat on a panel for a TV broadcast to promote the conference day, and spread the word so anyone who may benefit can attend.  At one point, there was a bit of a digression

The Written Word



What is it about the written word that is so powerful?

It is permanent, always there, can mean different things to different people, can mean different things to the same person depending on when they read it, can be a shared thing that can be discussed, and of course, connects us as a form of communication.  I love books and reading, and if I walk into my  favorite bookstore, I can actually feel my whole body relax, my mind calm, and suddenly feel

Professionals can Help

If there was ever a time in someone's life that they should not feel bad about seeking the help of a counselor, this would have to be it!  No matter how many people we have around us, or how often we are able to talk about our challenges of being a suicide survivor, there will be more to talk about and things that we may not feel comfortable to discuss with others.  Also, and this may be just my perspective, there is something about having a professional tell you that what you are thinking and feeling is normal that just gives you courage to keep going.  Or quite frankly, if someone is falling

Footprints

 

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

 

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of his life

there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in his life...

Love, God, The Universe

On a later post, I will talk a little about how I joined one of the on-line survivor forums.  The reason I am thinking of it now, is because I want to write a little about our religious and spiritual beliefs which can be so sustaining in times of loss and crisis, and I suddenly thought of a post which I read on the forum.

It was from a man who had no belief of any sort of spiritualism or afterlife.  I remember that as I read his words, my heart just broke for him.  I could not imagine the sorrow and despair of thinking that this earthly life is the only thing that is real, and that once someone is gone, it is the end of everything.  Even worse, how would someone grapple with the idea that this was our only life together, and someone they loved chose to end it and leave, and that was the absolute end to them?

As I read this man's words, which were a response to someone encouraging others to believe they would be with their loved one again someday, there was so much sadness and almost anger, it was difficult to read.  He was polite in saying that he respected others religious beliefs , but that it just made it harder for him, to hear that others were able to rely on faith so much for support when he did not even recognize what they were saying.  I felt like it made him feel even more lonely and separate at a time when he needed to feel part of a community.

I tell this story by way of explanation.  I feel very cautious to write about spiritual things on this blog as everyone has very different beliefs and perspectives, and I want to be respectful to everyone.  So I will touch only briefly and gently on my own experience. 

I have already said that we had a Catholic funeral for my son which in itself was so comforting.  However, I will confess, I ahve not been in that church since.  I have been to church for specific masses said for my son, or weddings, etc., but not on a weekly basis. 

What happened for me with my experience of losing my son, was that the beliefs I did have about afterlife and the spiritual part of our earthly selves, grew stronger and more tangible, and have become one of the positive outgrowths of losing my son.

I have read so much, and pondered this so much, that I have a stronger belief than I ever thought I could have, and, yes, it brings great comfort to me.  I have come to believe that there is an existence which gives us life and gives all meaning to our lives.  I think it's okay to call this God, the universe, or love, or whatever terms our faith uses or we are comfortable with.  I tend to call it the universe, because I feel it encompasses all types of faiths and belief systems.

As a mom who lost her son, I can only tell you that I actually feel the essence of my son within me at all times.  I know he is many other places as well, but I feel I definitely carry a part of his energy with me at all times.  This brings me peace, and encourages me to go on with my life for both of us.

I know that many others have much more structured and ceremonial religious beliefs, and I know these will help you and support you greatly.  If you are someone who doesn't have a strong belief system in place, now can be a time for you to reconsider and learn.  You may go through a period where your previous beliefs are shaken or challenged, but this can be worked through and you may come to an even stronger or more meaningful faith.

My spiritual belief is sustaining to me and something that is a gift from my son.  My wish for other survivors is that your beliefs will give you peace and strength, or that you will rediscover your faith as part of your survival process.  We are all blessed with the opportunity to believe and love.