Counting Blessings

After my divorce, five years ago, I went through a period of very serious depression.  Divorcing after 31 years of marriage is not just breaking up a couple, it is the end of a whole lifetime.  My husband and I had a household together, two sons, two grandchildren, had been through the loss of three of our parents, and my in-laws were very much family to me. 

The first year afterwards I was living in an awful apartment with Erik, already watching Erik’s mental health spiral downward, and struggling with a new boss at my job.  I not only could barely get through each day because I was so sad, I was totally convinced that my entire life had been a huge mistake, and that I had nothing to show for my years of hard work, taking care of my family, and goals of being a good mother.

At some point on a particular day, I truly can’t remember how long afterward, I was reading... to try to find ways to figure things out.  My world was completely topsy turvy and I was grasping at anything that might give me some hope or a strategy to just “get through” until I felt like a human being again.  In my reading that day, I read the suggestion to “count your blessings”.  People have used this expression for many years, but I think as life and society become harder and more challenging for everyone, many are becoming more aware of the insight and profundity of this simple expression.  Quite a few years ago someone made the concept sound more meaningful by calling it “saying affirmations”. 

For some reason, maybe out of desperation, I seized the thought and turned it over in my mind, saying to myself:  “Okay, Mary Ann, count your blessings.”  Believe me when I say, my immediate response in my own head was a snicker and a retort:  “You have to be kidding…your life is a big fat zero, and if you try to look for specific blessings, it will only make you more depressed”.  (I am always prone to these internal dialogues in my head; this was not part of my mental state for just that year!)

And so I sat quietly by myself, and thought…what can I be grateful for?

Suddenly, that internal voice answered, and I was so amazed…

I am grateful to have such a wonderful father, who has stood by me this year as always.

I am grateful for my sons.

I am grateful for two beautiful and healthy grandchildren.

I am grateful for a wonderful family, siblings, cousins, in-laws, and amazing friends.

I am grateful to have good health.

I am grateful to have a good job.

I am grateful for the beautiful things in the world I appreciate, and my books.

I am grateful for good coffee and good conversations.

I am grateful for my sense of humor and knowing that laughter is one of life’s best gifts.

I am grateful I figured this out, and know that I will someday feel better.

This was a small moment in my life, but as you can imagine, I have never let go of this discovery.  It helped me get through that day, and it is now a practice I embrace as part of my life.  And, I suppose that at this point, I am able to take it to the obvious end of…..

I am grateful for my life today and for whatever the future may bring.