January 12, 2013

I apparently have become the queen of putting a positive spin on almost anything.  As I was anticipating this past Saturday, our third anniversary for Erik, it suddenly occurred to me to think of it as my first three years being over, a major milestone it seemed to me, and that instead of thinking of just about Erik, to think of it in terms of myself.  In other words, to try to make it “the first day of the rest of my life.”   Pondering this, I decided it didn’t “feel” right, so in my mind, I made Saturday Erik’s remembrance day, and Sunday, my day to think about what my future holds. 

Saturday turned out to be a big surprise weather-wise, and I spent it at the zoo with a friend.  I was feeling pretty good, thinking of Erik all day, but also enjoying the day and focusing on other things.  A few times I felt a little teary-eyed, but still good.  Then, that “thing” happened that I talk about so often.  My friend and I were watching a video, it was about a baby and family party, and I had the “melt-down”.  I just got so upset.  Even then though, I seemed to just need to cry a bit, say the words…”I miss him so much, I just want him back”…and I was okay again. 

To some folks that may sound a little odd, to be that sad for a few minutes and then put it aside.  But depending on your own experiences, I know that some of you understand all too well.  It is part of the getting by and doing what you need to do to salvage your life.  Or put another way, to aim high hoping to get through the whole day in a pleasant way, accept it when it doesn’t work out that way, and move forward.  Hoping that in the big picture, each year is a little better than the year before, or that some years will be a lot better than the year before.

Because the morning after, you can open your eyes and the deathday is over.  Another thing you have gotten through.  Another sign post on the road.  Further along in the journey.

So I am thinking that I have survived three years of this process.  I have learned more than I could have wanted to learn about death, loved ones, afterlife, sadness, and grieving.  But I have also discovered and been showered with more kindness, caring, loyalty, and warmth, than I might have known in other circumstances.

So I am okay.  I look forward to the future.  I count my blessings.

Sunday, January 13^th, was the first day of the rest of my life.  I can have another first day of the rest of my life next year.  I am making up my own annual holiday for myself.  I am going to do that…because…hhmmmmm…I can.