Apology

I feel like I should apologize for saying that Mother's Day is stupid.  Of course, it is not stupid.  It is just so hard for me to make sense of the day now.

Mother's Day is actually a very beautiful day, and, if I remember right, it was "invented" by one of the presidents in honor of his mother.  It is so appropriate that the mothers of the world be honored and remembered in a special way, it is so inherent in our understanding about all that is love and compassion. 

My reaction to it is just part of the package of being a suicide survivor, and I realize it could take many forms over this one day.  What of the children whose mother left them because she committed suicide?  What about the poor dads who have to look at their broken-hearted children and support them while missing their spouses?  What about the siblings who know their moms will be extra sad?

My more rational self remembers that each type of relationship brings a unique pain to the suicide survivor.  I remember when I used to read postings in the support forums, it seemed the people who had participated in the forums for the most years were those who lost parents.  It made so much sense to me.  After all, our parents are supposed to be our security, our unconditional love, and our safety net.  I can't imagine what it is like to have that basic emotional security ripped out from under you.  To begin with, you are a child, so the process of even understanding what has happened probably changes every few years as you mature.  Then there are all the milestones that your parent is supposed to be there for...graduations, weddings, childbirth.  It is no wonder that these folks were still participating in the forums and searching for their peace and closure.

At the in-person support group, I remember feeling so badly for a woman whose husband had died by suicide.  She was so shattered, in so much shock, and in this situation, had so much anger.  And she also then had to deal with the reactions of their children and other family members.

Those who had lost siblings, in addition to their own grief, were so sad for their parents.  And yes, Mother's Day is extra hard for my son as well as me.

I guess it is the cornerstone of suicide that it brings a cruel reversal to many of life's events.  What should often be the most joyous or are meant to be celebrated, are reminders instead.  This happens for all the holidays for all types of loss...including divorce and children leaving the family home, separations for those in the military, etc.  But the sharp edge of suicide is that the person themselves caused their own departure.  Please notice I do not use the term choose to leave, since I am militant in my crusade against saying that people "choose to die".  No one would ever choose to die, our loved ones would have chosen to live life - had they believed it was ever going to be a possibility for them to do so with some sort of joy or peace, but they lost that hope.

So I will try to not panic so badly about Mother's Day.  However, I have to confess I will probably avoid obvious displays of the celebration of the day, such as the Hallmark stores and Sunday brunches.

And most importantly, I will on this day and all days be forever grateful that I was Erik's mother for twenty-five years, I thank God and the Universe for that.