Making Decisions - Cruel Irony

      I had often heard that we shouldn't make any big decisions for a year following a life altering event such as divorce, loss of a job, or death of a loved one.  Yet, upon the news of your child's death, you need to make very deliberate and sometimes complicated choices
of what to do regarding a funeral, memorial service, wake, and/or burial.  I am not sure how other people are able or were able to get through this process.  I can only empathise about the injustice of it, that at a time when it is almost impossible to breathe, walk, talk, or think, we are expected to do this one last thing for our child, with only one opportunity to do it so there are as few regrets as possible in the future.

       Again, each situation is so very unique, and also colored by what a family's typical beliefs and rituals are regarding the death of a family member. Then, there are surrounding circumstances in terms of the details of the child's death, and very importantly, what the family feels able to do emotionally, physically, and financially.  May I say that whatever any family has chosen should be embraced and accepted by those supporting them.  If support can be given by presence, by being willing to talk about the options, or even financial support, then those things will be the most important gift you may ever offer anyone.  The family may be able to talk openly about the fact that the death was by suicide, or may choose to not offer that information or be very discreet.  Going through the process of planning a funeral will feel different to someone who has already done so for a parent or other close relative, than someone who has not.

       For myself, I had some structure to base my decisions on.  My family had always held to a strong tradition of having wakes, and religious funerals, usually masses, as well as escorting the body to the cemetery.  I had been involved in planning funerals for my mother as well as other family members, including the specifics of choosing caskets, cards, clothing, etc.

      Emotionally, I was guided by two things.

      The first was that I had a strong belief that wakes and funerals are very important to family members and an important way to process the loss of the person who has passed on.  I had felt for a long time, and still do, that it is a gesture of respect to the person we have lost, but also a way of saying to others, we know you cared about them too, and we offer you this opportunity to say your farewells.

      However, what ensued the rest of the week was guided at first by a very strong, overwhelming, moment of anger.  Not anger at my son, but rather, anger at the universe.  My son had been so estranged from most people, so lonely, and so scared the last years of his life. Suddenly I was free I think to recognize that and how heartbreaking it had been to watch him.

      So at some point that first day I remember saying to myself:   "(expletives to the universe)...the last years of his life were so terrible and awful, I am going to make sure he has the best d--n funeral anyone ever had."

      I am not sure how that must sound to other people, but it is simply the reality of how my mind was working that day.  So beginning on Wednesday morning, and working through til the afternoon of Thursday, with unfailing support of my family and friends, we planned what I hoped would be a remembrance Erik deserved.  For me, while by Saturday I was more tired than I thought it was humanly possible to be, I was somehow driven to do this. I am sure it was not the best funeral that ever happened, and there were a few regrets or choices I wonder if I would do differently given the chance, but in the end, the beautiful moments that occurred throughout that week were a true blessing.


I need to tell you this part of my story because it is integral to my memory of the aftermath of my son's death.  Having a funeral immdiately following the death of our loved ones is one way of doing things.  If others made different choices, those are okay too.  I would like to talk about the wake and funeral not to discuss the concrete details of what happened, but rather to share the moments which will always be present in my heart, and why they helped me.  Many of the things that helped me this first week, could occur at a later time as well, and there is an array of opportunities for ceremonies, rites, or gatherings to remember our loved ones.  I share this with you so you may consider if there are specific things you might do, large or small, that could help you with your healing process. 

I also welcome any other experiences or suggestions others might like to share.  Sometimes the smallest gesture can bring great comfort, and this is a way for us to help each other in a very visible manner.  If others make suggestions, we could maintain a separate page or log of our ideas and experiences, in order to help each other along the way.