Regrets

        The world is fraught with books and inspirational speakers (and inspirational wannabees like me!!) who give the message of not looking back, live for today, don't worry about tomorrow.  A professional worrier for the future, this has always been a challenge for me.
I have actually come a long way, but need to consistently remind myself not to get caught up in the "where will life take me next" and "what if this doesn't happen".

        For suicide survivors, one of the greatest challenges is to confront our feelings of guilt and self-blame, the words we wish we could take back, the times we wish we had made another choice.  And for a time after our loss, to just live in the moment in order to feel calmer, is probably a catch-22 situation.  It may one of the few times even the inspirational speakers would guide us to cling to a vision of the future where our pain may not be as great. 

       So what to do with the guilt and regrets?  My solution was to read, read, read, and sometimes listen, listen, listen.  In everything I read, I never once saw a statement that said, or even came close to saying...if you had done this...then that would have been avoided.  On the contrary, the message was so strong and so unanimous that we are not responsible, that for once in my life I decided..."Okay, they must be right, I did everything I thought I could, and it still happened."

       Did that mean that sometimes out of nowhere, those sneaky voices didn't tiptoe inside my head, and catch me off guard?  No.

       Deep down, to this day, are there things I wish I hadn't said...ABSOLUTELY!!
  
       Am I convinced that with a different counselor, a different medication, a different mother, that my son would have done this anyway??  No.

       I will have to live with questions like these always...they will always be there...floating around in that universe I so believe in.  But, in order to live with them, in order to go past survival and move into thriving...(think I'll make up a new word here...thrival)...I choose to succomb to these thoughts as little as possible. 
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       One problem is, and it probably sounds like the harshest yet the most logical rationale, that there just is no going back. The darkest corner of death I think is its permanence and finality.  So even if there was something that might have helped, it's too late.  There just is no benefit to dwelling on it.

       A more global thought, and softer attitude I think, is that the person was so determined to do this, they would have accomplished it sooner or later.

       The conundrum is that while we want to comfort ourselves that we could not have prevented the loss of our loved ones, we want to promote the belief that there is a way to prevent future losses.  How can that be?  I believe that just as one sentence or one action did not cause my son to take his own life, there is no magic formula or approach to prevent future suicides.  However, I do believe that the more we raise our awareness, the more we make it okay to talk about these things, and the more we pound down the doors of the legislators and mental health providers, the more we can provide an environment in which those considering taking their lives will have the tools and strength to make a different decision. 

        Which brings us full circle: only one person has control over taking their own life.  However, it is a community of people who can alter the world we all live in, to provide those finding themselves in the darkest of places an opportunity to make a better choice, to choose to climb back out of that dark place, and try one more time.