I haven't written anything new here for a long time. I sort of ran out of steam, and it seemed that the blog wasn't being read, so I figured... had a good run, I will someday do a hard copy version of things I have written and leave it with my grandchildren. I feel as though it will always be a tribute of sorts to Erik, and if people read it, maybe a few of my words could be in some way helpful. My heartfelt goal was always to hopefully inspire or comfort someone, to say that it is possible to feel life and joy again after the heartbreak of losing someone to suicide.
Today I had something happen that so belongs to the message of my blog that I just wanted to write about it.
It had been a very arduous, stressful, and upsetting week for me. My life, eight years after my divorce, seven years after I bought this house I was sure would be my last, and four years after I lost my son, has come to a major juncture and taken paths I wasn't expecting. My plan of working til 66, which is really financially necessary, is not seeming realistic with some of my health problems worsening. And, lo and behold, as a testimony to second chances, I have a new person in my life to plan a future with, who is to me the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. He however lives in another city.
I have spent 4 or 5 days of nearly constant thinking, discussing, and flailing about, trying to decide what I can do to be financially responsible and independent, and trying to know if I am courageous enough to take a leap into a totally committed life with another person. And, I am wanting to know who is going to guarantee that this whole new life is going to work out okay and I am not going to end up penniless, or a widow in a strange city, so on and so forth. And, at the worst moments of this momentous pity party for myself, wondering how it is that my life at 64 years of age is completely unsettled and now looking like a "do-over".
I don't know if I have the emotional or physical stamina for all this, and I really just want my life to be settled, and boring, and predictable.
So when my boyfriend handed me an article in his city's newspaper, that spoke directly to me, cut me to the core, and had me in tears, I just wanted to share it. And if you believe in serendipity like myself, it is hard not to smile thinking that this article was printed on this Sunday morning, after this week of total anxiety in my life, and that if we look for it or maybe just are willing to accept it, there are always other people to speak to us and inspire us.
This article was written by a journalist named Nestor Ramos and these are some of his words of inspiration. He wrote this as his last article for the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. His story was that he had moved to Rochester only five years ago, starting over in his life, and lost his wife two years after their move. He is now moving again, and has found a new person who is going with him. He writes this:
"...while I'm leaving, I'm not starting over.
After all, life doesn't really do subtraction, does it? That's as true for places as it is for people: Everything just gets piled on top of everything else.
Sometimes something big and heavy gets tossed on the pile: illness and sorrow, tragedy both public and private. Looking down at the pile, that one big thing is all you can see for a while.
But then new things -- small things -- start getting added: A smile, a handshake, a hug. That big, heavy thing starts to get buried too. You don't get to choose what's in the pile any more than you can choose which memories rattle around in your head.
Today, tomorrow, whenever: you look at the pile and...that's your life."
Later in the article he talks about his five years in Rochester and at his job and he says: "They're all in that beautiful pile I'll carry around forever: friends made and kept, lessons learned the hard way, loved ones lost and found.
Why would anyone want to give that up in the name of starting over?...Thank God, there's no such thing."
I often joke that when tragedy strikes, we become the target of endless cliches and analogies...What doesn't break us makes us stronger...one day at a time...et al.
However, I am so grateful to Mr.Ramos for this inspiring and beautiful analogy which came to me at a perfect moment. I will be making changes in my life. We all do, some more than others. Some are imposed and some are sought after. But I will no longer think of events stopping and starting what is the essence of my life.
I will simply add them to the pile.
Today I had something happen that so belongs to the message of my blog that I just wanted to write about it.
It had been a very arduous, stressful, and upsetting week for me. My life, eight years after my divorce, seven years after I bought this house I was sure would be my last, and four years after I lost my son, has come to a major juncture and taken paths I wasn't expecting. My plan of working til 66, which is really financially necessary, is not seeming realistic with some of my health problems worsening. And, lo and behold, as a testimony to second chances, I have a new person in my life to plan a future with, who is to me the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. He however lives in another city.
I have spent 4 or 5 days of nearly constant thinking, discussing, and flailing about, trying to decide what I can do to be financially responsible and independent, and trying to know if I am courageous enough to take a leap into a totally committed life with another person. And, I am wanting to know who is going to guarantee that this whole new life is going to work out okay and I am not going to end up penniless, or a widow in a strange city, so on and so forth. And, at the worst moments of this momentous pity party for myself, wondering how it is that my life at 64 years of age is completely unsettled and now looking like a "do-over".
I don't know if I have the emotional or physical stamina for all this, and I really just want my life to be settled, and boring, and predictable.
So when my boyfriend handed me an article in his city's newspaper, that spoke directly to me, cut me to the core, and had me in tears, I just wanted to share it. And if you believe in serendipity like myself, it is hard not to smile thinking that this article was printed on this Sunday morning, after this week of total anxiety in my life, and that if we look for it or maybe just are willing to accept it, there are always other people to speak to us and inspire us.
This article was written by a journalist named Nestor Ramos and these are some of his words of inspiration. He wrote this as his last article for the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. His story was that he had moved to Rochester only five years ago, starting over in his life, and lost his wife two years after their move. He is now moving again, and has found a new person who is going with him. He writes this:
"...while I'm leaving, I'm not starting over.
After all, life doesn't really do subtraction, does it? That's as true for places as it is for people: Everything just gets piled on top of everything else.
Sometimes something big and heavy gets tossed on the pile: illness and sorrow, tragedy both public and private. Looking down at the pile, that one big thing is all you can see for a while.
But then new things -- small things -- start getting added: A smile, a handshake, a hug. That big, heavy thing starts to get buried too. You don't get to choose what's in the pile any more than you can choose which memories rattle around in your head.
Today, tomorrow, whenever: you look at the pile and...that's your life."
Later in the article he talks about his five years in Rochester and at his job and he says: "They're all in that beautiful pile I'll carry around forever: friends made and kept, lessons learned the hard way, loved ones lost and found.
Why would anyone want to give that up in the name of starting over?...Thank God, there's no such thing."
I often joke that when tragedy strikes, we become the target of endless cliches and analogies...What doesn't break us makes us stronger...one day at a time...et al.
However, I am so grateful to Mr.Ramos for this inspiring and beautiful analogy which came to me at a perfect moment. I will be making changes in my life. We all do, some more than others. Some are imposed and some are sought after. But I will no longer think of events stopping and starting what is the essence of my life.
I will simply add them to the pile.
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