Stronger



Looking back on support systems that helped me and strategies I used to travel this long and bumpy road of the grieving process, I have to confess that I can't think of anything I didn't try.  It is my nature to be resilient and to pick myself up after a bad spell...and I had faced challenges before.  At one point after my divorce, I joked with dark humor that my life could be described as one big cliche'... "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... "everything is a learning experience"...when one door closes another door opens"...and so on and so forth.  One time someone said to me that I would be stronger and I guess I really wasn't in the mood, because I sort of lashed out and said, " I don't want to be stronger, how much stronger do I have to be?"  But, most of the time  I can be philosophical and find a way to go forward.

After Erik was gone, at first, the support came to me without my even seeking it out.  Family and friends were there a lot - my family did errands, planned the funeral breakfast, and purchased flowers; cards, flowers, and money arrived at my door, and it is true, food appears by the trayfuls.  While I was always the kind of person who hated to ask someone for a favor or rely on someone else, I somehow knew that this was a time to accept as much help as I could get!  So, I did, and I maintain my adage that I "floated through the week on the support and love of my family and friends".

But the real work of grasping and processing what had happened, healing the deep heartache and pain I faced everyday, managing the guilt and questions, and redefining myself and my life, could be done by only one person, and that was me.

I tried so many things I would like to talk about them in my next few posts.  They will include: accepting help from others, talking, accepting cards and condolences and responding to them, finding little ways and little things to use as remembrances of Erik, crying, sleeping, reading, researching about suicide and spiritual afterlife, participating in on-line forums for suicide survivors, journaling, grief counselors, medical doctors, working, not working, participating in support groups, counting my blessings, and participating in the family support day last November.

One thing I found was that sometimes the things that seemed as though they would be the most helpful, I did not care for.  For example, most people who know me would have expected me to delve into journaling and support groups, and neither were appealing to me, even though I tried them.  Probably the most consistently helpful to me was my reading, whether it was a books or doing on-line research, and talking to others.  And, far down the road, I actually made a concerted attempt for the first time since my divorce to date or meet someone, which looking back now really does seem like the last piece of the puzzle in deciding "who I would be now".

In scanning my list, one thing is conspicuous to me, and it is that there are many ways to find help and support.  In our day of internet communication and information, one has to simply input "suicide survivor" into google, and all sorts of avenues are laid out for us.  It is for us to try them out, see what feels like it is helping, and utilize it.

Also, a part of this is the timing.  There are things that didn't work well in the initial stages, but help me now.  Likewise, there are things that helped at first, but no longer hole the same meaning to me.  And, it is true that there are always ups and downs, times I thought I was really out of the woods, only to find myself backtracking and feeling worse than usual again. 

So we need to map out our own journey as best we can, what will help us, and sometimes try things that we really don't believe will help, and work on it day by day.  At first it may be a concerted effort and take a lot of thought.  But as time goes on, we will sift out and keep what buoys us up, and get rid of what we don't like or don't need anymore, and it will just be a part of us, the new us. 

We will always have those sad feelings and miss our loved ones, they will travel alongside us, but the new person we are will be better, kinder, more joyous, and yes, stronger.