I'm A Coward

I wish I could say how many times people have told me, "You are so brave."

 I am here to tell you that I am not brave at all.  In fact, I tend to think of myself as more cowardly than most people.  I guess if I analyze it, I can appreciate what others are saying; it just isn't my perception of how I have handled the the loss of my son. 

So I am here to say to you, surviving the loss of a loved one to suicide is not the time to act courageous.  I am telling you, "Don't try to be brave."

If it is your nature to be very independent and not ask for favors, if you are someone who likes to feel in control of things, if you feel you have responsibilities that cannot be neglected for a time, this is the time to morph into a different person - at least for a little while.  This is the time to care about yourself, and feel sorry for yourself if you want to.

 At first, every day will be a balance of managing the tasks of the day, and wandering through the onslaught of emotions that have been forced upon you.  It is okay.  Hopefully you are surrounded by people who realize this and are supporting you and taking their cues from your needs for that day.  If you need to cry, it's okay; if you need to sleep, it's okay; if you need time alone, it's okay; if you need to be in charge of things for your loved one's funeral, and can do it, then that's okay too.  But if you need to ask someone for help...ask.

 I would plan the major portion of my son's services, and then all of a sudden couldn't do more.  So I would say to my sister, "This part is all done, but can you order the flowers from everyone for the funeral parlor?"  I would actually admit that I didn't care about the flowers right then, and that I knew she would do a beautiful job anyway.  The thought of interacting with restaurant managers to plan a luncheon seemed beyond my abilities as well, so again my sister and family took charge of that, and of course it turned out beautifully.

However, there were things that I had to do, such as choose a gravesite and decide on services, so I saved my emotional energy for those.

The only time I tried to act a little braver than I really felt was in the presence of my older son, Jason, who was so devastated and upset as well.  That I felt was necessary, and if something came up while he was with me, I would put that feeling or thought on hold if I knew it would upset him more than he already was. 

Someone may need help from their physicians to get through those initial days, or for a time after that.  They may need to put off doing anything for a few days, until they are able to focus and absorb what has happened.

I remember that at one point I was telling my sister I was worried over something I had said to someone, and, knowing I would "get" the dark humor and laugh, she said, "For a little while, you could say almsot anything to anyone, and no one will get mad at you!"  So I had to laugh thinking about it, and while I realized she was right, decided I should be careful not to take too much advantage of that philosophy!

I guess that one of the things I have learned from my experience, is that what they say about having to "go through" the process, and not around it, is true.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't allow ourselves a little denial here and there, that is a survival mechanism.  It would be almost impossible to process and accept the whole reality of a suicide all at once.  But we need to parcel out our energy so we can get through each day, according to what we are up to.

So it becomes a weird task of prioritizing what we can do and what we can't.  When I say don't worry about being brave, what I mean I guess is to not worry about "doing it all".  Life as we know it has been interrupted, so the regular daily tasks need to be put on the back burner, til we can gradually get back to some sense of normalcy again.

To begin the journey of survival and healing, at first thing we need to accept is that there is no sense or logic that will explain what has happened, and how we feel.  Allow yourself time and space to handle things the way you need to handle them.  Keep going, keep breathing, and sooner or later, you will feel your strength and desire for life come back. 

In other words, don't be too brave.  It's okay.