When I read the most recent statistics of suicide, it was over one million worldwide and thirty-six thousand in the United States. It was interesting that it was also stated that for each suicide, there are approximately six more people whose lives are dramatically affected. It seems that the impact of suicide becomes almost exponential in its repurcussions.
First of all, I feel fairly certain the estimate of six people being strongly affected is a very modest estimate. In our society of interconnectedness and communication, people feel very impacted by significant tragedies, and I am in awe of the outpouring that is seen when tragedies occur in communities, everything from memorial services to fund-raising for family members.
While the numbers are important, I worry more about the qualitative aspect of life moving forward for suicide survivors.
As with many other life events, the response of those left behind by suicide are as varied as the people themselves. Some are able to move past to embrace life again in a positive manner, but some are unable to prevent a downward spiral in their own lives which is so severe that in essence, their lives are lost as well. I have had occasion to hear about or have read about persons who after a suicide loss, particularly if it was someone's son or daughter, were unable to even after a long time recuperate to a point of leading fulfilling lives of their own again.
I makes me so sad to think that some people survive but only barely, and in essence they lose their lives as well.
There is something I have been thinking about which I never "confessed" to anyone, not my closest friend, not my sister, and not my grief counselor. A few years before I lost Erik, I had said something to him, and I think I said it more than one time.
I used to say to him: "If you ever do anything to yourself , you better take me with you, because my life will be over anyway."
I know those are very strong words. I guess I said it at desperate moments when I thought I could guilt him into staying alive, as outrageous as that sounds now even to me. Or I may have been appealing to his kind soul by saying that if he wouldn't keep going for himself, to do it for me. In retrospect, I do think he held out longer than he might have just because he knew it would break my heart.
So now that I have lost him, and although it has been the most difficult thing I have ever done, how did I in my mind and heart do a complete turnaround, and decide that I would not just survive, but that I would thrive and be happy again?
I think the first glimmer I had about finding a way to move forward was that pretty early on I suddenly had the thought that if Erik wasn't able to continue on, that it was my job to live for the both of us. I suppose that especially because I was his mother, I felt I was somehow carrying his spirit with me and should find beauty and meaning in each day I possibly could, and somehow it would make his life more meaningful. Or maybe I was haunted by the idea that he had endured many difficult days and weeks trying to stay alive for me, so now I owed him the same, even if my heart was in pain and it took every bit of my emotional and physical strength to do so.
Maybe I was just able to do the cliche' of flipping the worst of situations into something good, and decided I was going to be the most joyous and fulfilled version of myself that I could be; that I would be an better person than if I hadn't lost my son.
Whatever the reasons have been, again I want to say it was not an easy task, and we suicide survivors have to be fighters and workers to recover. I wish I could somehow magically touch all those who are still so grief-stricken that just getting up in the morning is difficult...(I know how it feels)...and bring them some inspiration to take the next step of their journey.
I was talking about this to someone yesterday, and they said, "Oh, so it is not true that time heals all wounds, it's really working at it that does." I think this is true...time does help, but it's what gets done during that time that makes the differnece.
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