The Journey -- We Are All Different and The Same

 

       From the moment we know our loved one is gone, and that in fact they left us by taking their own life, the world becomes a completely different place.

        Those first days afterwards our energy is consumed by our efforts to just keep breathing and trying to realize in our own minds that what has happened is real.  At the same time we need to deal with the cruel reality of planning our loved one's final rites, as well as many other logistical tasks that need to be done.

        Often there is so much to do and so much support that we can coast along in a fog of what comes our way for those first few days or weeks.

        Then, suddenly, the chaos is over and we are left in a deafening quiet which forces us to say, "Oh my God, this has really happened", and struggle with the second reality of  "how can I keep going without them?"

         We realize that all the wonderful people we  have leaned on need to get back to there lives. 

         So the dance begins.

         We may have others who have offered to help us, but we need to fight our way back to some semblance of a "normal" life.  A different life, as a different person, but a life that has some meaning and functionality for us. 

        How do we do this?  How do we make that journey?

        The journey itself will be very different for each person.  No ones heartbreak is easier or harder than the next person's, but the ties we had with the deceased and the history of our own lives will start our journey from a place different from everyone elses.

        I was 59 years old and had recently gone through a divorce after a 31 year marriage.  I was old enough to have experienced the death of family members and friends.  I had always worked in a helping profession with families with challenges.  The year after my divorce had been extremely difficult, and I had made some bad decisions in taking care of myself at that time.  I  guess it seems that I had been through experiences that in some small ways prepared me.

        Still, I had two sons and now one of them was gone, my survival was not going to be an easy one.

        Another factor that makes each person's experience very different is whether the person who we lost to suicide had a known history of mental health issues, or if they on the surface had appeared to be happy and content with their lives, even perhaps very successful, and the act comes as a complete shock.

        The other significant issue is whether the person had to "discover" the body of the deceased and see the person after their death, in the setting where it happened.  Often this is in their own homes.

        As I write about things that might help someone, or talk about what I found helpful, I am painfully aware that it may be very different for someone else.  I guess my hope is to present the thought that there are many ways out there to help ourselves recuperate, but only we can figure out which ones to choose and decide which ones are helping us.  These are the guideposts and supports as we travel down that road of our journey to healing, different for each of us - sometimes forward, sometimes back, but one we can endure.  But we are all the same in our pain and our need to heal.