If there was ever a time in someone's life that they should not feel bad about seeking the help of a counselor, this would have to be it! No matter how many people we have around us, or how often we are able to talk about our challenges of being a suicide survivor, there will be more to talk about and things that we may not feel comfortable to discuss with others. Also, and this may be just my perspective, there is something about having a professional tell you that what you are thinking and feeling is normal that just gives you courage to keep going. Or quite frankly, if someone is falling into very unhealthy strategies to cope such as substance abuse or completely shutting down, the cousnelor is there to tell you a line has been crossed and help you get back to a more healthy coping mechanism.
As I typed the above, my dark humor kicked in and I felt like someone might think I am saying, "So, it's okay to feel really miserable, but not completely miserable." I don't think the boundaries have to do with our emotions and how debilitated we feel after our loss. Whatever the extent of our emotions and mental response, however physically off-track we become, that is beyond our control and we need to accept and confront that.
The boundaries we need to keep are the ones surrounding our coping mechanisms and strategies, and that's what a counselor will help us with. In addition to giving a safe haven to say anything, the counselor can do a spot check of where we are in our grieving process and advise which approaches are healthy and which may cause more harm than good.
If we are someone who has a tendency toward addictive behavior, we need to be especially careful. I myself have always been someone who heads for the donut shop rather than the corner bar in times of stress. (And now I struggle with a weight problem as evidence of this, so I am not recommending it!)
When Erik was going to AA meetings and staying sober, I used to worry that if I had a glass of wine when I was out to dinner, he would be able to tell, and it would "bother" him. So I would ask him if it did, and he would always say no, and my retort would be: "Oh, it doesn't bother you because you know I don't have an alcohol problem, I have a Twinkie problem!", and we would laugh because it was silly but true.
Ironically, for me, after Erik's death, I think somewhere in my subconscious, a switch turned off about my eating. I think that deep down in my heart, I knew there was no amount of food that could ever make this pain feel better, and there was no sense in trying to use food to comfort myself. Thus, I actually lost some weight the year after he died, without really thinking about it one way or the other.
But had I gone to a counseling session, and told her I had eaten a pizza and three donuts the night before, I knew I could rely on her to remind me that wasn't such a good idea.
Another thing I read many times and heard from others is that suicide survivors have a higher risk of suicide themselves. Especially for parents, it may be hard not to want to join the one we have lost, or to want to stop the pain which at first we are sure will never get better. When those thoughts occur, it would be especially difficult to burden other family members with worrying they may lose someone again, and it is such a serious and frightening thought, there needs to be a way to bring it out in the open. This is what cousnelors are for, to help us with the really hard stuff our friends and families cannot.
Sometimes decisions are hard to make, and since the aftermath of a suicide is not something that has been experienced before, it is hard to decide what is acceptable and what is not. One thing that helped me was that my counselor often had to remind me that the recovery road was a long one and always three steps forward and two steps back. I had several times stopped seeing her, only to hit a roadblock or period of "regressing", and then would call her to come back. She had advised me in the beginning to parcel out my time-off from work, that I may need it again after the first month, so when I felt myself sinking, I knew it was normal to need a break again. I would have not expected that, but she was right.
I guess I think of a counselor, especially in this situation, as sort of a gauge or measuring device that you can check in with and decide how things are going. You may actually be feeling like you are having an extra bad week, or be feeling extra discouraged, and they can point out how far along you have come and validate your efforts to "get better". Or, you may think you are doing just fine, when you are really not ready to confront an issue or using something as a crutch, and they can gently encourage you to look at things more honestly and get back on the right track.
Counseling does come in many shapes and forms, and again we need to figure out what will suit our needs and be most helpful to us. In Western New York, we are fortunate to have an excellent grief counselor who specializes in suicide loss and runs a support group for survivors. When Erik died, several contacts, I believe the cemetery and funeral home staff, handed my folders with names and numbers of resources for help. As someone who has gone through such a tragedy, you will hopefully find many people who are able to and willing to point you in the right direction.
At first, it may be difficult to find the energy or desire to get the help you need - that is when you need it the most. So whatever first inkling you have to seek out a counselor, try to follow through, and if you need help to make that first phone call, let someone help you. If you start to work with a counselor, and it is not helping, you may need to find someone who is more compatible with your personality or beliefs. Also, you want ot be sure that the counselor has experience and interest in assisting with the intensity of suicide loss, as it is so unique.
But, if you find someone who has the skills to monitor and assist you with your suicide survival, and who connects with you on a personal lever, you will always remember that counselor as one of your best friends, and never forget them. I will always be grateful for the support I felt from my counselor, and remember some of our conversations still when I need to.
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