The Written Word



What is it about the written word that is so powerful?

It is permanent, always there, can mean different things to different people, can mean different things to the same person depending on when they read it, can be a shared thing that can be discussed, and of course, connects us as a form of communication.  I love books and reading, and if I walk into my  favorite bookstore, I can actually feel my whole body relax, my mind calm, and suddenly feel a happy sense of anticipation.  Apparently I am not the only one who feels this way, since in spite of the avalanche of computer information, and it's accessibility, the book industry seems to be blossoming, with havens that not only have an eternal supply of reading material, but provide coffee, scrumptious treats, and soothing fireplaces to encourage us to hang around and enjoy it on the spot.

After my divorce, I immediately went to the bookstore and found four books to read regarding divorce.  The beauty of using them was that no one book fit my particular situation, but I always found something or many things in each book which helped me.  I remember that one of the authors had offered up that to get through the process of adjusting to divorce, there would be times when you would feel just plain crazy, and that this was normal and would get better.  I can't tell you how many times I really did feel I was going to "go crazy" and never adjust, but I would remember this sentence, and use it as my mantra..."this is normal and will get better...this is normal and will get better...this  is... ...".  It turned out that for some reason, many of my colleagues went through divorces as well during the next several years, and those four books were passed from one person to the next.  By the time they came back to me, I didn't need them anymore.

So it was fairly soon after my son's death that I gathered my wits about me and ventured into my favorite place on earth...the book store.  There were of course many books on the grieving process, loss, and even more than I expected on loss through suicide.  At the same time, I found myself gravitating toward the aisle containing books about spirituality and religious beliefs.  I realize now that not only was it soothing to me to know I could get information that would advise me and  possibly explain things, as well as let me know I was not alone, but most of all it may have been one of the first things I did that was a familiar routine and pleasurable to me.

Once I got those books home, they were something I could grab on to at any moment,ng  and were always in sight.  Sometimes I wanted to read them to learn and try to figure things out, sometimes I was looking for advice on what to do next or how to feel better, sometimes they made me feel less alone, and sometimes just having them in my hands consoled me.

Again, like my post-divorce era, I would often have certain passages just jump out at me or say something that was so precisely what I was going through, that I could use it as a mental life preserver to know someone felt the same or could offer advice on how to handle it.

While I read many intense and meaningful things, I remember that again, there was one simple sentence that I often relied on for months during the process of trying to adjust to "regular life".  The book had been talking about the symptoms of grieving, including the obvious ones of sadness, depression, lethargy, confusion, etc.  But what caught my eye was that the author also spoke about it being a common symptom to have difficulty just thinking or focusing.  There were so many times that I needed to do something at work, or just attend to paperwork at home, that I might have thought that I had somehow lost all my braincells from crying too hard, or somehow the ones I had left were no longer connecting at all.  It was so weird and frustrating to just not be able to think or make a decision like I used to!  So I was repeatedly grateful for having read that, and know that as time went on I would feel like I could think and act like I had some kind of brain again.

For me, reading was one of the best supports of my grieving process, and I relied on it heavily.  I got me through the most difficult first months, and every now and again I go back to some of the passages I found helpful.  And, I will continue to read and try to learn more, it just makes me feel better.

It is something to try, but may not be helpful to everyone.  You may find yourself gravitating to another activity that brings you peace, such as music, hiking, or crafts.  It is not the activity that matters, it is the result it has on your journey that matters.