Coping Strategies

So Mother’s Day is over.  Here are some of my coping strategies.

I spent the day with a very nice person who has come into my life, he is very understanding and supportive.  One of my favorite expressions is from Dr. Phil.  He calls that person in your life that you should be able to depend on and rely on, “your soft place to fall.”  I just love that.  Everyone needs a soft place to fall.  It may be a spouse, a significant other, a sibling, a friend, or most anyone.  They become as they say on Gray’s Anatomy, “your person”.  (After my divorce  my father became the one who I felt was always there, and who would give me sane advice, and hopefully would support me in my endeavors.  He was “my person” then.)

Good thing I was with my person, because the beginning of the day was spent fighting back tears, and mostly losing the battle.  This was my fourth Mother’s Day without Erik, I didn't know why I was so upset!  I had promised myself I would spend the day with my son Jason and my grandchildren, but decided a sobbing grandma was not a great asset at a picnic.  Jason happened to call in the middle of one my meltdowns, so when I started apologizing he told me that I should do what I needed to do to make myself okay, and if I wanted to stay where I was, that it was fine with him.  So that was my second strategy, doing what I had to do for myself, instead of feeling guilty and going to a gathering I would have a hard time feeling a part of. 

My third strategy was in spite of all the support I had, at the end of the day, I ate a lot of cookies.  Now, I am sort of joking about this, but not really.  For me, sugar is my addiction of choice, and it is apparent in my dress size.  Often people figure that it is better than drinking, gambling, narcotics, etc.  But the reality is, as we all know, it really isn’t  healthy. 

I am sharing these ideas with hopes that others found ways to get through this day and any others that are difficult.  I used two smart ones, and the third not so smart one.  If you are new to the survival game, they are something to think about, and it is okay to very deliberately plan how to get through certain anniversary days or holidays.

Plan on being with someone who can be your “soft place to fall”.  It may be that the person who used to be your soft place to fall is also fighting their own battle for survival, and for a little while can’t be there for you like they used to.  It’s okay.  Try to rely on others.  Surviving the death of a family member, especially a child, is extraordinarily hard on relationships. 

If it is too hard, be honest with family members and tell them you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but that you need to not attend the party or gathering.  I have tried just going to a family gathering because I felt I had to, and it set me back.  I have tried just saying I wasn’t coming, and then worrying about it, and it was almost as bad as if I had gone.  If you can find the right person, and say – “I can’t come, and the reason why is…”, you will open yourself to their support and then spend that time trying to take care of yourself instead of  worrying about someone being upset with you.  When Jason told me it was okay not to join him and the kids at the picnic they would be at, I believed him.  And I felt good that I had at least let him know that I wasn’t indifferent to his feelings, that I had wanted to try, but just wasn’t there yet.

And finally, be aware that these are the times that our more unhealthy coping mechanisms will surface, and God knows we might think we have a good “excuse” to go back to them “just one more time”.  So remember to be cautious if you have old demons that don’t believe in letting you do something “just this once”.  Plan to otherwise occupy yourself, or have support around you.  If you have serious issues and have a support group or sponsor, call them.  It is okay to say, “I know it’s been four years, but I think I’m going to have a really hard time getting through this day.”

And once the day is over, know that you made it through one more thing, and will continue down the road you're on.  And if you took a little detour, that’s okay, just follow the signs to get back to the highway.  And once you're back on path, we will all be there together.