Work, Work, Work

        I haven't written much the last few weeks...since Erik's birthday.  It has been harder to want to write,
and harder for me to maintain what I want to be an encouraging or uplifting persona for others to read and share with.  I also have been figuring out where and how far I want this writing venue to go.  But my heart and soul are always with this mission, and my thoughts are always ruminating in the back of my mind, no matter what the front lobe of my brain is doing!

        So the last few 24 hours have brought some new thoughts or revelations, and some validations.
Last night, I was doing another search of other blogs and other websites that deal with suicide, survivors and loss, and death of a child.  There is so much information.  A lot of it I had seen before, so I tried to focus on other sites written by survivors. 

        What was most noticeable was the differences in each situation, the differences in where each survivor was in their journey, and the overall differences in whether people felt it was possible to ever be happy again.  My hope is that I have recognized this and supported this thought throughout the things I have written.  It made me sad to read the intensity of emotions involved in the other blogs and sites, a few which were very angry.  I think every survivor suffers through the whole plethora of heartache, sadness, guilt, regret, and anger.  But clearly each survivor's journey is so unique in what the hardest part of the struggle will be, what the timeline will be, and which emotion may be the predominant one.  And although the last few weeks have been a reminder to me that my life is forever changed, and I will always have to deal with terrible spurts and relapses of being sad, I wondered a little bit if there was something wrong with me that I can at least be as positive as I am most of the time.

        Then, just now, as I was checking me e-mails etc. on my laptop, I heard Dr. Phil say something that came rushing out to my senses even though I really wasn't listening to his show.  I will paraphrase what he said, but the thought is perhaps one of the most important ones I ever heard regarding grief.  He was talking to a teenage girl who had lost her dad as a child to ALS.  He was saying to her that even though it had been a number of years, she was still at the very beginning of her grieving process.  Then he said,  They say that time heals all wounds which is not true.  It is what you do to get through the grieving process that heals wounds.  What I would have added to that is that it is a lot of hard, hard, work. 

        I have often heard people say you can't go around the grief or hide from it, but have to meet it head on, and go through it.  But it is more than that...it is the work of it.  And again, it is hard, terrible work:  crying one more time when you think there shouldn't be any tears left, going through the rituals and memorials with others even though it makes you sadder, reading everything you can, talking to counselors and yes, medical doctors when necessary, going to on-line discussion forums and support groups.  I did them all!!!  Probably I was hoping to find something to make it easier, which never really happened.  But, I found many things that gave me the tools to get better, to get through a hard minute or a hard week, whichever I was having, and to give me hope that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  I also explored my spiritual beliefs, and found myself at peace with the thought that Erik's soul, energy, spirit, whatever you want to call it, was not just floating around the universe in a positive state but was actually within myself. 

        So I have Erik with me all day every day, I actually feel his presence.  I will write more about that later.  

        My main thought for today is to say please don't think I'm a delirious woman who is kidding herself.  I have made many mistakes, and some days I was stronger for battle than others, but I have fought very hard to get to where I am today.  I have further to go.  I am hoping to bring some fellow travelers with me, and hope they will also find their tools to carve out a new existence, one that includes happiness and peace.  Our loved ones will be trudging alongside the road with us, until our hearts are light enough for them to walk within us using the same path and same footsteps we do, always going forward together.