It's hard to remember when you are working your way through the shock of losing someone to suicide, that there are many others around you who are upset and sad at the loss as well. They have a different set of issues
than those closest to the person. They are sad that such a tragedy occurred, feel badly about the loss, but are also feeling very badly for the immediate family and friends, the circle of survivors . They may feel it is so different from other losses they have experienced, that they are at a loss and uncomfortable to try to offer words of support or consolation.
I had read and heard early on in my experience that there may be friendships lost or family stressors that accompany suicide survival. As I have talked about so much, I was so very blessed to be surrounded by a wonderful family and generous friends and coworkers. Again, I was also bouyed by the support and caring of people in Erik's life who came forward to remember him and offer support to the family, including his old friends, AA friends, and even his counselors and case worker. When people asked me how I was doing, I often said I was floating along on the love and good wishes of the people around me.
I did lose two friendships as part of this. In retrospect, they were probably not strong relationships in the first place. Also, just as we cannot predict how we will cope with all that follows sudden death by suicide, there is no way to predict how others will feel about it or how comfortable they will be to deal with such a tragedy and so much emotion. It is simply part of loss and grief, and if possible, we need to accept that there is nothing wrong with the fact that people pull away, it is just part of life and the complexities of people.
At the wake and funeral, I knew it was hard for people to approach me and talk to me, as it was for a long time afterwards. I tried when I was able to let everyone know that I understood they were upset too, and not to worry about what to say or do. There were only a few times that someone said something really "off" and that seemed not considerate to me; one time it made me angry, and one time I felt more understanding.
Recently at a lunch outing with two of my best friends, they mentioned that they had read some of this blog. I was shocked when one of them said she was glad she had read it, because it had answered a lot of questions she was, in her words, too "chicken" to ask me. I was so surprised because she is such a good friend, and we have that sort of relationship where we can say almost anything to each other. I also had an e-mail from a relative, who said reading the blog made her think about how hard it is for her to know what to say to someone who has suffered a recent loss.
Unfortunately, this is one time when I can't just say, don't worry, you won't say the wrong thing, because there are some things that a grieving family just doesn't want to hear.
Especially for moms, we don't want to hear that our children are...in heaven or at peace...we just want them to be back at home with us.
When people said to me...you did everything you could to help him, at first that fell on deaf ears, because I just wanted to scream and say...obviously that wasn't enough...as I was looking at his casket. But, I do have to say, that I am happy for those words now, as they seem to have had a cumulative effect. And although I will always wonder if I could have done more, it is helpful to know that people realize how hard I did truly try to keep Erik here.
To say...time heals all wounds...does not help, especially in the beginning, because at that point the last thing the survivor wants to think about is the future without their lost loved one. And they won't believe it because the pain is so bad, they can't imagine it ever getting better.
When I was with my friends that day, we wound up talking about all this, and came to the conclusion that there is one "safe phrase" that probably could work on most occasions, and that would be to simply say...I feel so bad, I don't know what to say... . People did say this to me, and I guess what it does is to open the door for the person themselves to indicate where their thoughts are at that particular moment. If they are in the mood, they can begin a conversation about what they are thinking. If they are in a low moment, they can just admit that there is nothing worth saying at that point. It confirms that there are no words that are truly going to make the person feel better, and that the speaker is also upset and at a loss. Any other phrases that simply reflect or acknowledge the moment, the traditional...I am so sorry...you are in my prayers...etc., are okay too. We just need to acknowledge the sadness, and not try to fix the situation or make it better, because there just isn't any fixing it.
In the end, when words fail us, we can all take comfort in the fact that it is another person's presence that is important, and a strong hug, an arm around our shoulders, or a hand held, goes behond all words, and is never forgotten.
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