I have written so much about the first week without Erik, from that Tuesday at noon that I heard the news, to the sermon in the church on Saturday. It seems weird, but instead of wanting to forget about that week, I want to remember and embrace every moment of it. Maybe it's because it was sort of an in-between state of his presence here being gone, but so many people thinking of him, remembering him, and caring about him. I often thought during the course of the week how astonished he must have been to be looking down and seeing how many people really did care about him. While it was the saddest week of my life, it was also the most loving and inspiring I think.
When I wrote about things people said that week, I didn't address one of the most profound things someone said, which at the time, had actually made me really angry. There is a cliche that says..."something good comes from everything". Well, it was one of those "feeling like screaming" moments that I wanted to say, "what the bleepity bleep good could come from my son killing himself!!??" And even if many wonderful things came from it, why would I care? I would still just rather have my son back!!
Maybe it was just the wrong cliche. I think I prefer the phrase, "something positive comes from everything". Then again, with this cliche, there is an amendment as well. I think there are positives to be found even in the worst life experiences, IF, we are able to see our way clear to recognize them and learn from them.
I learned so many things from the loss of my son, I could not even begin to talk about them all. But most of the things I learned, have brought me to a deeper appreciation of the world and people around me, and the existence of true kindness and a spiritual love that some may not be forced to recognize.
I often use the term of departed souls "looking down" on us, because I feel those who believe in afterlife usually think of it that way. But the more time goes on, the more I have a sense of souls of those who passed over really being part of life here on earth. I always think now of souls being a form of energy, so I imagine all the energy or positive part of each person's existence continueing on earth, both in us and around us.
The love and support of all those around me that week continues to leave me in a state of awe when I think about it. For all the times in life we get discouraged about man's inhumanity to man, to have experienced such kindness in full force is a true blessing.
Coming through a tragic loss will always leave us better or worse off, we will never be the same. It is possible to fall into a place of anger, despair, or resentment, I could understand how that could happen. It is hard to not go to the "life is unfair" way of thinking.
I would like just this one time to focus on something I read about parents who have lost children to suicide. Again, it is not worse than the pain of other losses, but it is different. I remember reading in one of my books soon afterward this beautiful thought, which for some reason gave me such comfort. The author had said that theoretically losing a child is the worst sorrow someone could go through, and losing a child to suicide is the very worst of all. That's why we call it survival. But, the beautiful thing he followed that thought with was...that if a parent can survive and get through the process and move onward, that they become the kindest people on the earth.
I don't know, really, why this brought such comfort to me. Maybe it clarified what that person was trying to say about something good coming out of everything. Or, maybe it gave me something to aspire to and move forward toward. Whatever it is, I want to share it with you. As survivors, we can become kinder people, and find new purpose in our lives. Maybe for me this offers a balance to the loss of the other person on our earth. Maybe it is our legacy.
No comments:
Post a Comment