Serendipity

        There is so much written now about spiritualism and the paths that our lives take.  As with every other aspect of life, we have many choices to make and philosophies to embrace as we hopefully evolve and try to learn more as our lives progress.  If there is one thing I have learned, it is to expect the unexpected, and that if we keep our vision clear, little moments will be presented to us that offer clarity and serenity to our souls.

        I had made a decision ahead of time that during the funeral itself, I wouldn't go to the gravesite.  It was the one thing I felt  I couldn't do.  It was a cold and dreary January day, and I learned later that after the casket was escorted to the gravesite by my ex-husband and my son Jason, a prayer was said and they were present while the casket was lowered into the ground.  I know if I had been present for that, I could not have not been able to bear it.  So I had left right after the prayers said in the cemetery chapel and gone to the restaurant where the breakfast was to be held.

        After the breakfast, I was driven back to the church by my sister and brother-in-law.  It seemed soothing to be driving my car home, and the weather hadn't made the driving bad.  The route back to my house took me right past the cemetery.  Without even reconsidering, and in spite of the fact that three hours before that I had felt unable to be there, I drove my car through the cemetery to the gravesight. 

        As I approached the gravesite, I was overwhelmed by the thought that it was so cold, and that Erik's body was in that cold ground.  I felt so angry that even though I knew it was temporary, that the gravesite looked so messy...like just a dumpy piece of earth, with dirty snow and soil mixed together.  Flowers were left on the mound of earth, but somehow it just made it seem worse, like some half-hearted attempt to make something that was awful look nice.

        And so of course I cried.  It was the first time it was just me and Erik together.  I didn't rage on or have a great assortment of emotions.  I just felt the purist sadness a human being could probably feel, and told Erik that I just plain wished he wasn't "in there".  I think I told him I wished it wasn't so cold, and that it looked better at the gravesight.  I only stayed a short time, and then went home to join Jason, worried how he was doing.

       When I got home, I found Jason in the living room.  We looked at each other and I think both felt so helpless.  Suddenly there was nothing to do or say.  He spoke for both of us when he said, "You know, all week long I kept thinking I couldn't wait until this was all over, and now I don't know what to do."  We spent a little quiet time together, spoke to Erik's dad on the phone to be sure he was okay, made a few phone calls, and talked a little about Jason's kids.  On top of everything else, the day of the funeral was my granddaughter's birthday.  It was the weekend of Martin Luther King, and the kids had a three day weekend, so we were going to have a cake for Marissa the next day.

       Finally I said I thought I would go upstairs to lie down and see if I could rest, which I thought would give Jason some privacy and time to rest as well.  It turned out that I fell sound asleep for the entire afternoon, until dark.  Then what happened I will always remember.

       I woke to find the room dark, which was a little confusing to begin with, because I knew that meant I slept a long time.  But what was very confusing, and what had woken me up, was some sort of sound that seemed like gunfire coming from outside.  At first I thought I was imagining it, or had a bad dream about Erik shooting himself.  But as I listened, I knew the sounds were real, and thought maybe it was a car backfiring.  Then it seemed to be going on and on, and I actually began to get a little frightened.  I was still so groggy, and wary of what I would discover, that I approached my bedroom window very slowly and with trepidation, still in the dark.

        As I pulled the curtain back, I heard the sounds again...boom-boom-boom.. and to my amazement, saw a beautiful spray of fireworks in the sky!!!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  So I stood in the dark, thinking..."what could be more perfect...the first thing I see as my life without Erik officially begins, is a beautiful panarama of fireworks."  It was as if for a few minutes heaven and earth were the same, and Erik and I were together.  I felt like the universe was telling Erik that he had been special, and that those fireworks were almost mystical, going off for just him. 

         And so I stood in the dark and quiet, wishing the moment could last forever.  The fireworks did go on for a little while and I practically held my breath, not wanting anything to disturb the peace of the moment...and of course, I will never look at fireworks again without thinking they are just for Erik, because he was special.