Getting Through Christmas

Christmas is almost here!  Every day I go through, working hard and feeling determined that I should be able to have an "almost normal" Christmas this year.  It definitely feels better this year, my third without Erik.  The balance is shifting, with more thought and emotion spent on positive preparations, more thought given to presents, more thought of how to spend the day.

We are going to follow the advice this year of  "breaking with tradition" to make the day easier and less (hopefully) bittersweet.  I had often read this advice regarding how to spend holidays after the loss of a loved one.  It can be extreme, such as one man I know who takes a cruise at Christmas since the death of his wife after many years of marriage.  Or it can be simpler, such as eating out instead of a family dinner, or skipping a certain party, etc.  My son and I have decided to stay home with my grandchildren and make a turkey dinner at our house.  This is a big change, since we have always spent holidays with the extended family, recent years at my sister's. 

In keeping with my goal of being encouraging for others, I was thinking of the differences between my first Christmas and this third one.  For the first one, even though it was eleven months after Erik died, I was someone who could not even pretend to want to participate in the holiday.  We stayed home that year as well, but it was a necessity, not a choice.  That first year I had to leave the house while my son and grandchildren decorated the tree, this year I went out and bought new lights, and shared in the decorating.  The first year I bought a few gifts I felt were essential, this year I have tried to buy as many as I could afford and include a few surprises for people.  The first year I cursed every Christmas carol I had to hear, this year I am going to a concert.

Now the irony of this, is that while I am more able to participate in the holiday, the more I am thinking of Erik and the past.  It seems as if I have opened the floodgate of memories, now that I am stronger and better able to do so.  It's as if there is a constant slide show going on in my brain, constantly flashing pictures from the past.  Erik and his brother opening gifts, Erik falling asleep with his new Ernie in his arms, Erik in his little red PJ's and almost white hair sitting under the tree.

But still this is progress.  And when I start to waver, I cling to my mission of living for the both of us.  If I start to weaken, I think of how he couldn't stay, and how I owe it to him to be happy for both of us.  And finally, I remember that he is right here with me anyway, more than usual, in this spirit of family, tradition, and memory.  How could it be any other way?