Always Remembering



The house is decorated, and we have our "Erik candles" out.  The first Christmas without Erik, I was trying to decide what to do as a memorium for him, and couldn't come up with something I liked.  I knew immediately that I wanted it to be something concrete, and that I would buy twelve of whatever it was, and give them to twelve people who were closest to Erik, mostly family members.  It seemed like the logical thing to do would be to get ornaments, but I remember I couldn't find the exact thing I wanted.  I kept looking for Celtic crosses or some sort of angel, something like that.  I was just getting frustrated, and was in a store which sold a lot of ornaments and other gifts like that, when I spotted these ornaments sitting on a shelf.  They were glass ornaments, some gold, some silver, and some clear, with just a simple bit of glitter and small stones arranged garland style on the ornament.  Then, when I looked closer, I saw that they were candle holders, for just little votive candles at the top.  I was so excited, I knew immediately they were just what I wanted.  The other thing... was that there were quite a few of them, which was part of the problem looking at ornaments, I could not find twelve the same.  But as I anxiously counted, there were enough, and I happily gathered them up and took them to the cashier. 

I then had to strategize how to get them to each of the people I wanted to have them, and how to ask them to please light them on Christmas Eve, so we would all be doing the same thing for Erik and and remembering him.  These little ornament candles cost about three dollars apiece, but they became treasures to everyone in the family, and I knew that each was being lit on Christmas Eve...so much comfort from something so small.  The other beautiful thing about it, something I hadn't really anticipated, was that it became a way for people to bring up Erik's name to me, so we could talk about him for a minute. 

So I know that tomorrow night, these candles will be lit again, in tradition, for Erik, and it makes me feel comfort and peace.  Since then, we have done other things, gotten tiny little ornaments for my tree with names on them, including Erik, and last year, I finally bought crosses that were ornaments.

Such a contradiction, the happiness and childlike glee that comes with Christmas, and remembering the ones we have lost.  To embrace both is quite a juggling act, one that sometimes I achieve, and sometimes I fail miserably at.  But I will continue to try, for I am blessed to have those close to me now, my grandchildren who deserve to have a happy grandma, and I was blessed to have Erik as long as I did, with all the memories of Christmases gone by.