Sharing My Heart

As I am writing about ways to cope in the aftermath of loss, especially those first few months, I myself am remembering a lot of the difficulties and sadness.  In addition to that, we are preparing for the survivors conference on November 17th, and that is bringing back memories as well.  Last night, I sat on a panel for a TV broadcast to promote the conference day, and spread the word so anyone who may benefit can attend.  At one point, there was a bit of a digression
to suicide prevention rather than survival. 

I suddenly became very sad.  It is the dichotomy of my outlook right now.  While I want to support those who have to recover from loss by suicide, how much better to try to increase awareness and promote prevention.  Yet, the thought that it can be prevented, is like a knife into my heart, and I have to fight like hell not to go down that dark tunnel of guilt we all experience.  Why couldn't I prevent it for my son?

Since I can't seem to sort my thoughts on this conflict in my heart, I am going to write a minute about another form of dealing with grief, which seems like an appropriate next step after reading, and that is journaling.  Journaling is often recommended for individuals who are struggling with any number of issues.  I had tried it at several other points of my life, but never seemed to follow through.  So while it was suggested to me several times after Erik died, I never really was able to "get into it", so to speak.

However, there was one day about six weeks after Erik died, that I was at the end of my rope, and so sat down and started writing.  What I wrote was a letter to Erik, and I have kept it all this time.  I would like to share it even though it is personal and sad. Even though I used the strategy just this one day, it got me through that one day when nothng else was helping, and maybe it would for you as well.  Or maybe you will read my letter, and it will give you a thought that helps you.

I would like to post the letter separately, as a tribute of sorts to Erik.  If you choose to read it, I thank-you for thinking of Erik.  As I reread it, it reminds me of how hard that time really was, and how much support and help is needed for everyone who journeys down this terrible, heart-breaking road.