In my mind, I am perfectly fine. I am not worried about being sad. I don't feel apprehensive or worried. The weekend is filled with fun plans to the brim. I am even planning on getting a birthday present from my boyfriend...my first birthday present from a man since my divorce!
But all week long, I have been dragging around...with a myriad of excuses as to why I am not in a good mood...I am tired (always a favorite), I have a headache, I am worried about my dad, I am worried about my friend, I miss my friend who passed away, it's the end of winter blues...and so on.
My sister keeps asking how I am. My sister who knows me too well. My sister who should be completely focused on her family's vacation and not worrying about how I will be for Easter.
At the same time, I cannot deny the increase in my thoughts of Erik. Those visual flashbacks. The feeling like he's floating around in the car while I'm driving.
The wondering why anyone has to die in the first place. Why didn't God just put us all on earth at the same time, and leave us all here forever? I mean, if we believe in eternity, why not make this eternity? And if there are too many souls, just spread us around the planets and galaxies.
And worst of all, the loss of all defenses, with such a strong urge to be able to hug him one more time surging through my body so it hurts, and for a split second I am sure I can change time and he'll be there.
However, I am well, I am doing fine, I journey on just as I have promised I will. Still, it's just a little harder this week. I feel my heart inside of me...even though we are not supposed to "feel" the presence of our internal organs. I know I have to be on guard for surprise meltdowns. I can only do my best.
So we will see how it goes. At least I am making plans and know I will enjoy being with my family. At least I am not skipping Easter altogether because I don't want to talk about Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. At least it is not my first birthday after he died, knowing I had told him I was getting too old to "do this anymore", and feeling so guilty it was almost unbearable.
Maybe I will even color a few Easter eggs...we'll see.
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