Getting Through

I decided to see what other thoughts I could find about this challenge of getting through the holidays.  I just love to go to Google and type in some very specific thought and see what comes up.  So I went and simply typed in "getting through the holidays after a loss" and voila, there were eight trillion articles.  Well, not quite that many, but a lot.

One of the first ones listed was an article sponsored by a PBS website/program called This Emotional Life.
The article was done by a Dr. Camille Wortman, who specializes in studies regarding devotes her practice to dealing with grief with a special focus on sudden tragic loss.  The article is very clearly written in an outline format, with very specific suggestions.  I felt very good that a lot of things Dr. Wortman speaks to are things I have often talked about in this blog.  On the other hand, clearly this woman is an expert and professional in this area, so the article is very thorough and insightful, and I highly recommend looking at it for suggestions and help.  I attempted to set up a direct link, but I think it is protected because it is part of the PBS website.  However, if you go to google, and just type in:

getting-through-holidays-advice-bereavement

you will definitely obtain the article.

One of the things Dr. Wortman wrote about was "the ambush", which is something I have talked about so often.  What she says is that there will always be those things that happen that we simply can't prepare for or avoid because we just can't see them coming.  The example she gave was about a woman bringing out her Christmas tree ornaments, and suddenly finding one that her son had made for her when he was small, including his palm print on the ornament.  Of course this poor mom dissolved into tears, and her bravery in attempting to carry on and have a tree in the first place, was poorly rewarded by this extra bittersweet moment.  Yet, how beautiful that she has that ornament, how special such a small thing can become when we are embracing the memories of a loved one.  It almost comes full circle to say that we have to continue to participate in rituals and celebrations, so that some day others can remember us and our participation.  And that ornament can be on her tree, and yes, her son who is gone too soon has literally left that little hand print one her life and so many others, so visible on that tree.  And if it makes her too sad this year, she can put it toward the back of the tree so she doesn't have to see it all the time, and perhaps as each year goes by, the ornament can be moved forward and upward, to a more prominent place.  It is hard work, this grieving business, but we can do it, and with some thought, salvage even the hardest of moments.

For myself, I seem to never stop learning something new when I try to think about things, or even literally do research.  And it makes me feel connected to read about what others do and/or what advice others give.  As I am thinking about this, I am remembering that I usually say "whammo" about these moments.  You know...I was doing okay, and then, "whammo", there was that object, that song, that word, that little boy who looked just like Erik, and for a moment, I have to get a grip.  At first, it may cause a complete meltdown.  But then, it becomes easier to have the thought and keep going.  And in the end, would I ever want to live in a world that doesn't remind me of Erik when I least expect it

...hhhmmmmmm...that's an easy answer.  Of course not.  I will always be grateful for the sudden reminders, for as many times as they may make me sad, they also make me smile.  And that's what we do for the people we love.  We have feelings, for without our feelings, who would we be?