Dear Erik,
I'm not doing very well here, and am afraid I will never stop feeling sad or be happy again. I tell everyone that I think you didn't know how sad you were going to make me, but deep down I know it woudn't have mattered. I know that even if someone had shown you how upset we were going to be, you would have left us anyway. I know you couldn't stand feeling bad anymore, I watched your pain for so long, and I am so sorry that you had to suffer so much. I'm so sorry you couldn't feel pleasure and enjoyment like the rest of us, and get pleasure out of the little things in life. I know you couldn't feel or receive people's love of you, and talking to people was hard.
I'm so sorry you had to be upset and sad and scared for so long, for years and years.
If it were up to me, I would have wanted you to keep trying - I thought that someday we would find the right medicine, and you could at least be happy in your own apartment and feel like you had friends again. I felt like you should be rewarded for how hard you tried to get better - and I know how hard you tried. But I think now it was too long of a battle for you, and I think you saw no end in sight. When I really think about it, you have been suffering since that first time you let me take you to rehab at ECMC - I know up til then you were depressed and always drunk, but that started your real battle with your demons. I remember in the car, that even back then, you said that 95% of you wanted to die, but 5% of you wanted to get better...and that was over 5 years ago. You know, even though you were almost always with me, even I lost track of time and how many years you had to be upset and unhappy. Way over 5 years, of just getting through each day in survival mode, suffering and upset and almost never feeling love or enjoyable experiences. How brave you were to try for that long - thank-you for staying with us as long as you did. You were braver than I could have been.
I don't know why you had to be so ill - but I guess so many people have illnesses and handicaps, and this was yours. I hope that you truly knew how much I shared your pain, and how much I wanted you to get better.
I hope you were peaceful in the end, I think that maybe you were.
I do miss you so much, I miss the chance for you to get better and get some reward here on earth for all of your efforts.
Its hard for me to really believe you're not coming back, and I am already so tired of feeling sad. I know you wouldn't want everyone to be so sad, but we are. If you're up there watching us, you're probably surprised how sad Jason is - I hope you know now that he loves you.
So I know I have to try to get better and appreciate the days I have left here, but like I said, its been pretty hard. I promise I will try to do better and use my days to live life as well as I can. I will try to be happy here for both of us.
I'm sorry if I seemed tired and hard on you towards the end, it seemed like things should just get better, and they really didn't.
I know you waited to do this til after Christmas, and that you did that for me and I thank you for that.
I hope now that you can finally see and know how very loved you were - you were by far the sweetest and best of all of us. Please help me find my way and I will have you in my heart every minute.
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