Deathday

In two days it will be the third anniversary of Erik's death...his "deathday".  I tend to call it that in my own head, but I know it sounds gruesome to other people so I don't usually say it. I have to wonder why it isn't a common terminology - birthday - deathday - makes sense to me.  Maybe it's too harsh of a reality to say it.

The funny thing is, I don't know how I feel about it.  I don't know what to write.  And I don't know what that all means.

I had already realized last year that it wasn't something I wanted to do something "special" about.  I guess I don't want to acknowledge it and it doesn't make sense to have a "remembrance" about it.  And it goes without saying you can't celebrate it.  So what the heck do you do about it?

As per my logical mind, you do have to get up in the morning and live it, and even though I have been through only two of Erik's deathdays before, I know there is no avoiding it altogether.  In fact, in a vague subconscious way, no matter what other activities I am involved in, I know I will relive the first deathday minute by minute.  The worrying in the morning, attempting to file the missing persons report, trying to be at work, the phone call, the detectives, the crying, the house flooding with people, and on and on, minute by minute.  It's as if some other power takes over my mind, or as if I have fallen through a time warp, and I am back to that day again. 

I don't go to the cemetery often, but it seems I should go on this day.  I usually don't go because as I have said many times, I don't feel a need to go, I feel always close to Erik.  However, the thought of going on the deathday, makes me actually upset.  And weirdly, I feel like if I went, I think if I had to look at that stone on the gravesite and the words on it, his name, the dates, I think it would make me really angry at him.  I have been spared that confusion of feeling angry at him because I understood his illness and how full of despair he was, but somehow, being forced to remember this day again, remembering that bottom line is he chose to leave me, makes me really angry, just for a day.

So, I won't be going to the cemetery.  There is no need to have a reminder to remember.  The day will be there, moment by moment, in the back of my brain, heart, and soul.  I will make plans to try to have a nice day, and get through it and remember how much I love Erik.  I will plan on being with someone who cares about me and understands, and reminds me that there is still goodness and beauty in the world to be had.  I will probably worry about my son Jason because I know it is such a hard day for him.

Then it will be over and we will go into another year without Erik.  Maybe that's what is bothering me.  It is just another step in the journey, and a reminder I am always moving forward without him, and I wish that weren't true.  I wish he was here.  I wish that day three years ago didn't happen.  But it did, so now I have to have a deathday.  Darn you, Erik, I wish you were here!  I miss you and love you.  I will do okay, I promise.