What to Say/What Not to Say

        It's hard to remember when you are working your way through the shock of losing someone to suicide, that there are many others around you who are upset and sad at the loss as well.  They have a different set of issues

Work, Work, Work

        I haven't written much the last few weeks...since Erik's birthday.  It has been harder to want to write,

My Definition of a "Crisis"

       My definition of a crisis is very simple:  something which occurs and your life is forever changed, defining your whole life as "before___the incident" or "after___the incident".

       I had already gone through this once before,

More Items for the Casket

        There were a few people I met that week that I hadn't known before, and don't see anymore, but I will always remember them.  One person was a man who approached me, introduced himself, and said he had been Erik's sponsor at AA.

It's the Reason

        My lofty goal in having a full wake and funeral for Erik was simply that he deserved it.  I especially was so painfully aware of how limited his life had become because of his illness, I think I wanted to rally everyone

Happy Birthday Erik

        Today is Erik's birthday.  He would have been 28 years old.  It is the third one of his birthdays I have had to face without him.  I am really struggling.

The Oddest Things That May Bring Comfort

        Jason's trip to the funeral parlor had to be one of those most awful and difficult experiences that someone could have to go through.  What he felt and how it was is just for him to know.  But, I will tell about a small piece

Letting Things Happen

        Part of my solution to not taking Erik's clothes and seeing him one more time occurred spontaneously early Thursday morning, before Jason had to leave to go to the funeral parlor.  Perhaps part of what happened was a function of the timing,

Hard Decisions

        Erik had in his own way orchestrated things very carefully so that no one would intervene.  I also believe with all my heart that he chose to do it somewhere outside of my home,

Doing What We Can, Letting Go Of What We Can't

        As I write further about the week of my son's death, I need to reiterate that because I was able to do or not do certain things it doesn't mean it was the best way to do it...or the worst.  In fact, I have a number of regrets that come back to me time and again,

Guilt...Sister of Suicide

        If I picture suicide as a horrific, gigantuan, and relentless monster that finally claims the lives of our loved ones, then I must acknowledge its more insidious, clever, and skilled sister, guilt.  If there is one discriminating fact of loss by suicide, it is the unavoidable and devastating guilt

Believe What People Tell You

        While I remember things from the first week after Erik's death so clearly, the second week is the opposite...I seem to remember very little of it at all.  The first week had so many significant markers and memories,